Warning Signs

It's nights like these that lead me to believe that something has got to give in. It's four in the morning and my body just won't let me rest. I have a belief that despite what life throws at you, something inside you nudges hints at you to do what you have to do. A lot of people don't even realize this. It could be something as simple as having had too much to drink last night and feeling like shit the next morning; so when you're confronted with the prospect of a party tonight, you throw up a little in your mouth (ding ding, that's the hint). Or perhaps a better example is how a person reacts with the cycles thrown at them. Ohh, the infamous cycles. They're like hurricanes, but what really matters is if people are prepared for them. I have a friend who always falls for the same douchebag, low-life, pervert dudes, I mean ALWAYS falls for them. Like a hurricane, they rip her apart, from the roof to the foundation, and once the cold winter hits, she rebuilds herself the same rickety-dink way as before. The other night, I almost had a breakthrough with her. She openly admitted that she sees the cycle, but can't seem to break from it. "No," I said, "no way. With every guy that breaks you, the more and more your heart aches. But one day it's gonna go numb, you won't even feel it, anything. A major part of growing and becoming a better person is listening, if it's not listening to people that care for you, it's listening to yourself. If you can't do that, then life serves no purpose for you."

Back to the fact that I can't sleep, well, it's a very familiar feeling. It has become something that I've settled into. And it's not just the insomnia. It's knowing that I'm already fifteen minutes late for work, and I'm still in bed. It's the five extra minutes I spend in the car before I enter my house just so I can sit there. It's not picking up my phone because I just don't feel like talking about whatever concern there is to talk about. But it's not just a seasonal thing, this comes on a daily basis, and it's too much a part of my life. This numbness is disturbing (ding ding, that's the hint). So at least I know that something has to change. I'm grasping for each minute of my life to be for something, but what for? What am I here for?

Believe me, I'm listening real hard, but all I get is a murmur that I can't decipher. Everyone has something inside of them that nudges them in attempt to lead them in the right direction. But the biggest blessing that may not come through for many people is when life throws a hint at you. You know, it's like bumping into a guy at the counter who just happens to be buying the same CD as you, which you didn't even know anyone in the whole state of New Jersey listened to. I'm not pleading or anything, I'd like to think that everything will pan out as long as you don't lose yourself with what life deals you. But it'd be real nice to get that sign.