Oil and Water

I’ve lived my whole life with the notion that I should repel from anything I don’t believe in, anything corrupt, anything superficial, and anything that connects itself with demoralization. At too young of an age, I realized the degrading power of sex and vowed never to accept advances with shallow intentions. Of course there are slip-ups, but I certainly have kept to it for the majority of my lifetime. I remember the first time that I came face-to-face with torments from girls with low self-esteem, and to watch them mature into the real bad bitches that held a knife to my face if I accidentally glanced at them for more than a split second. I never enjoyed the feeling of that frozen fear and doubting my own character, so I never try to tower over individuals to make them feel inferior. I remember countless, sleepless days attempting to ease the pain of my best friend, who swore to take her own life away due to the actions of some stupid, stupid boy. She taught me to never let a guy play me for a fool. I remember when my mom first told me that in that beautiful wedding portrait we have up in our house, “Those aren’t tears of joy.” From then on I knew that I would never settle, even if I had to walk to the ends of the earth and find nothing.

And find nothing.. The list of oppositions is still growing, and it made me understand that people idealize the wrong things. After a while I’ve come to realize how lonely it is to take a step back and acknowledge what’s really going on. Then I start to question whether it is a blessing or a curse to have been born with a little more willpower to live in this world, but follow a different map, a map that leads to roads barely touched. I live my life anxiously. I can’t say I’m waiting because I’m growing every day. But I live anxiously pacing through where and what I think is right, and as I keep walking, I see less and less people around me. I look back, and it’s tempting to regress and just follow. I keep what I believe in close to me, hoping that if I find my own way, I’ll see why I’m like this. Little do I know, the Big Guy up there doesn’t even know anymore than I do.