There are things in the way, but things happen that way

Classes started, and to no one's surprise, it sucks. I have this one class, Women's Changing Roles, at 8 in the morning. First of all, I hate 8 am classes. Secondly, I hate listening to feminists preaching at 8 in the morning. The other day, I was sitting in this class minding my own business while she goes on to ask the class, "Is anyone in charge of their own destiny?" My class is basically a holistic gradient of the world. There's the oober conservative, "Only God knows my destiny, every turn I take is because I listen to him." Then there's the extreme, "No one tells me what to do, I'm getting out of college, and then I'm gonna be CEO chyeahh." And, lastly, where I believe I fit in, the middle, "Certain circumstances may change my direction, but I know I can certainly flip some of the cards I'm dealt." Of course, my professor takes delight in hearing what we have to say because she can't wait to roll her eyes and say, "Well you're wrong." She took a different approach this time though. 

"You," she points at me, "do you ever want to get married?" 

Caught off guard, I swiftly answer, "Yes." 

She snaps back, "Why?"

I was definitely not in the mood, but I knew I had to make the answer as impressively educated as possible   because I was already 20 minutes late for both times I had the class.

"Well, I'm okay with being in a relationship forever and never getting married. I ultimately don't believe that marriage should change the dynamics of a relationship, unless financially I suppose. However, I do want to get married when or if I decide to have children. When I took Developmental Psych, I learned that, statistically, children who are raised in a normal household with nurturing parents who are happily married, develop to be mentally/physically good kids. Theoretically, I can say that my future child would be confused, being that the ordinary circumstances of family are 'married' and 'divorced' but his parents would be considered 'other.' I don't want my child to grow up questioning anything like that." (pats myself on the back, good answer Jess)

She gives me a satisfied look, "And you just answered my question to why nobody controls their destiny. You see, you relied on what's 'normal' to determine your future and the future of your child. This is how everyone one of you live your life." 

I understood her point, but I guess not really. It actually got me heated. Nowadays, I never get upset over anything, especially if it's caused by people. There is a plethora of people that will be letting me down my whole life, so I make that one less stress. What really gets me heated is when people falsify my beliefs. Basically, the only time I get "angry" is when I'm being defensive. 

It got me thinking though. How much control do I really have over my destiny? I hastily went over the many facets of my life like so... My childhood, I was beat up until I inherited the Bronx mentality which was being reckless and angry all the time, but thank God I decided to let go of that. I always thought family matters were in check until I grew up and realized how fucked up everything is, like big fat LIE status. School.. I was a sped, like every class was in the trailers until my parents literally whipped me into shape. And now I go to a college I really could care less about. My career choice was essentially the result of giving up a battle and heavy insecurities... etc etc. 

I stared at the virtual reality I listed in a cumbersome manner in amazement. Do I not have any control? Today I came up with two things I feel that I am certainly in control of. 

1) My thoughts and my dreams. I made this a two-for-one because they're both ideas that are left in my mind. Even my best friends call me the mystery girl because they're always wondering what's lingering in that dome of mine, but they already know I deal with it myself. My whole life things were taken from me.. my innocence beaten out, my brain trained for intelligence, my allegiance to my family's wishes, everything, the list can go on. That's why I base too many decisions on how bad I feel, how will if affect others, that's just how I was raised. I believe that once you let the world know about anything you care for, it's gonna do it's best to take it away from you. The righteous call it discipline, I call it unfair. I have been taken advantage of too many times and my thoughts misconstrued to bullshit. My dreams, unrealistic and laughable. But I do my best to place what truly matters to me in the right spots, so I can let it grow into something real beautiful. 

2) Finding the right people.. and person to share with. I hate writing about love or anything of the sort, I really do. Because love is not a thought process, it's uncontrollable, it's crazy. That's all I have to say about that. I control the handful of people I choose to share intimate thoughts with. By right people, I mean people I can have faith in, people that won't encroach on what I believe in, people that will truly take what I say into consideration. And the right person.. someone I can feel with and throw thoughts and expectations and philosophies back and forth, but knowing it won't be left unheard. He'll be someone I'm fascinated with and admire. We'll appreciate each other's qualities.. and most importantly, the feelings will be mutual. 

So to my professor, fuck you, because I still have a hold on my life.